Zombies? Oh No, It's Just Joe: The Reporter
by KristianaJanelle
Summary: A recap of the events that took place in the unfinished Samoa Joe series as told by an unfortunate reporter. Just as graphic as the series itself, you've been warned. Please review and feel free to leave any suggestions for future stories.


The higher-ups in my company think I'm here simply to cover a reporting job on the victims of the Samoa Joe murders, but honestly, I've just been so fascinated by this story that I couldn't resist the opportunity to investigate it more thoroughly. Out of fear, I will only refer to him as "the monster" in the remainder of this report. Please do not confuse him with "The Monster" Abyss, who is believed to be responsible for a lot of chaos and murder that took place at the local insane asylum. I've been assured that it's completely safe here at the former site of the old college where the first victim was found. However, every one of the victims in this story also believed they were completely safe, so I must be very careful. Ever since the issues with lost information on the Shark Boy Vs Radioactive Creek Creature Number 42 and the lack of work done following the Cockroach Vince incident, we've been keeping track of all our information in well-documented files. These files are accounts of individual victims and their stories as we know them. I've been given the files of the previous victims in this case so that I can prepare myself as much as possible for my investigation. Everything seems to be going according to plan right now, so I will take a moment to fill you in on the details of what has taken place thus far in this gruesome story.

First, there was the security worker at a college. He'd never heard any of the stories before, because at the time there was nothing to tell. He was working his job the same as he would any other day, but felt a little uneasy the entire day. If he would have listened to his instincts, maybe he would have survived. But he didn't, so this doesn't matter. According to his files, he typed out his story in the moments before he died. In this story, he mentioned that his first evidence came in the form of a faint silhouette in the distance. Something about it was so terrible that it sent chills down his spine. He wanted to run, but he couldn't pry himself away from the image. That was his foolish mistake. Next he heard the whispers that seemed to come from the walls, unsure of what they were, he just…well, he just stayed there. I suppose he wasn't very bright, poor man. In a shocking sign of intelligence, he remembered that there was a zoom function on the camera and managed to get a closer look at the image on the screen. According to his account of these events, he first thought he was dealing with zombies. Maybe if he had been, he would have stood a chance. But no, he wasn't dealing with zombies, but instead a "Nation of Violence" as the report said. I wonder if seeing this monster creates some sort of hypnosis, as the victim claimed he was physically unable to flee. It was then that the chants became clear. "**Joe's gonna kill you**" was the phrase repeated over and over. This may have caused the victim to break free of his trance, but in any case, he states that it's too late to flee by this time. He was caught and slammed to the ground in an act that apparently busted his muscles. He struggled to stay conscious but in the end, this monster won the battle. The victim's body had not been recovered at the original time the investigation of this crime had closed.

The second victim was a woman investigating the attack on the security worker. Her file indicates she was staying in the college years after the attack on a month long search for clues to what had happened. She found the first victim, the security worker, in a cabinet in an office. His face had been carved in what appeared to be a tribal design. Apparently, this monster likes to make his attacks personal, and is leaving a calling card. It was on the last day of her investigation of the college that she, too, met her fate. She heard the sound of hooves, though there were no horses in the area, and turned around to find this monster sitting on a dark red mini horse with a giant coconut in his hand. She was smarter than the first victim, and tried to flee. However, she was caught on her way back inside the building and was lifted into the air and thrown down. What appeared to be a coconut was smashed over her head, fracturing her skull. This monster then took the pieces of broken coconut and began carving this same tribal design into her face. When her crew came to pick her up, they discovered her bags neatly packed by the road, her body was found in one of them.

Some time after these brutal killings, the college was opened again, this time with a massive security team disguised as housekeepers, this is where the third victim's story starts. He kept record of the events in a typed computer document as they were happening. According to his account, there was a strange housekeeper working the night of his murder. He was suspicious of this housekeeper the entire night and monitored his actions. This housekeeper turned out to be an informant of the monster, and was sending emails to him through a work computer. However, the housekeeper attempted to warn the victim in his final moments, leaving him a message that said "he's ready, he's waiting" in a tracked email document. After reading this, the victim went back to his office and checked the security cameras, he seen nothing except horse tracks, but remembering that there were no horses, found this to be a bit strange. It also seemed that the housekeeper had disappeared during this time. Continuing to watch the cameras, the victim saw the monster ride in on a dark red mini horse with a giant coconut in one hand and a very brutal weapon in the other. He knew he couldn't run, so he watched the cameras instead. He was stunned and intrigued by the weapon, which according to him is "a long pole with a chain on the end of it, on the end of the chain is a plastic severed head wrapped in barbed wire and several broken Christmas bulbs". He hears a crash in the hallway and looks out to see the strange housekeeper looking very frightened. The housekeeper tells the victim he's made a horrible mistake and is sorry for what he's done. The victim glances back at the monitors to see that the monster is gone from view. According to his account of this event, the monster completely beheads the housekeeper with his brutal weapon. I have to say, I appreciate the irony of beheading a victim with a severed head, this sick sense of humor is one of the things I find most interesting about this monster. The victim just has enough time to realize that the housekeeper was trying to warn him before meeting his own terrible fate. According to authorities, his account of these events was found in the middle of an office in a pool of blood. It appeared to be printed from a nearby computer. The bodies of the housekeeper and the security worker allegedly murdered by this monster were never found. However, the bodies of the extra security disguised as housekeeping staff that night were found in a nearby snow bank. They had been dismembered and arranged in a sick and bloody display that read "Joewas here".

The forth story involves a group of four friends who had heard the stories of all the previous victims and wanted to check out the then-abandoned college. This took place years after the last murders and the college had been shut down for good. All that was left was an old building. The victims in these files believed that these stories were made up to scare younger kids and keep people from messing around inside of the building. They planned to spend the night inside the college to see how true these stories really were. When they arrived at the gate, they noticed that the area gave off an energy that said something really horrible happened. Again, the intelligence of the human race shows its true self and these kids ignored their instincts and continued on anyway. It's said that everything was darker around that area and at night the moon seems to disappear from the sky completely. The inside of the building was very clean, cleaner than it should have been after being abandoned, and the unlocked gate made very little noise when opened. Inside, the floors were shiny, as if freshly waxed and the walls appeared to be freshly cleaned. However, the lights had been cut. This is no big surprise, why would someone maintain electricity in a place that wasn't supposed to be accessible to anyone? Only two of the bodies were recovered from the scene, both in a locker room full of mirrors. If it weren't so gruesome, it would look like a funhouse. The victims were found in the center of the room next to a set of lockers. The lockers had "**Joe's gonna kill you**" written in blood on them. One of the victim's faces was removed and, according to reports, had been placed on the weapon with the severed head that the monster used to kill both victims that were found, as well as some of the previous victims. The most recent victim in this case appeared to have tried to flee, but was confused by the mirrors. Based on an audio tape this victim had been keeping, it's believed that the monster wore a clown mask and drank from a coconut with an umbrella straw which he'd opened with a tribal knife before finally killing him.

The fifth and final file is the account of a different type of victim. This is the tale of the monster himself meeting his end. He'd just finished killing off a small town, but was looking for more. Word has it he rode his mini horse through the countryside looking for victims until he found a warehouse with windows in the shape of glasses. Figuring it was just a glasses factory, he went inside looking for victims. He had most likely prepared for a battle with factory workers and was unprepared to see hundreds of identical men, all hunched over a giant wrestling ring. The men seemed to be pulling out more and more copies of themselves. As the monster entered the building, the door squeaked and drew attention to him. According to the files, within seconds he would have been surrounded by an army of Harvey Whippleman clones, all of which took off their glasses and threw them at him like darts. At this point, the monster's mini horse came bursting through the window, towing a wagon full of coconuts behind it. The monster jumped onto the wagon and began hurling coconuts at the arm of Harveys, picking them off one by one. He managed to take out the first several rows of Harveys when the wrestling ring started to shake and smoke started pouring out of it. After the smoke cleared, hundreds of new Harveys exploded from the ring. After they all hit the ground, the ring burst into flames. Seeing this, all the Harveys screamed at the monster that he'd ruined it all. It's said the monster didn't understand what this meant and started throwing coconuts at random to eliminate as many Harveys as possible. According to the files he took out about half of them before they finally reached him. They grabbed him and carried him to the ring where they tossed him into the flames. At this point, the entire ring exploded, sending the warehouse up in flames and the Harveys all running for their lives. By sunrise, the warehouse had burned to the ground, leaving no known survivors. It was later discovered that a coconut had lodged itself behind a lever, which was the cause of the initial explosion the wrestling ring.

These files are supposed to help me, but they just make me more confused about who this monster really is. What drove him down this path of death and destruction in the first place? Did he have any connection to this college, which appears to be where he picked every one of his victims from until they closed it down. What was he hoping to accomplish in doing this? Did he believe what he was doing was right, or did he just do it for fun? I'm not even sure if he was alive or dead when he claimed his first victim. What bothers me the most, though, is that half of the information in these files doesn't seem to have a source. It's as if the victims themselves told them from their graves, which some of them didn't even have. Was this his doing? Is he out there somewhere trying to tell me his side of the story?

I'm taking a break to run some water on my face in the bathroom. I'm getting tired from all this thinking and this action helps to keep me awake. As I stare at my reflection in the mirror, there's one thing that keeps coming back to me. That chant, "**Joe's gonna kill you**", what makes it so chilling? OH MY GOD! He's right behind me! Where did he come from! How did he get…

_This was the audio file of a young reporter working the case of this area's most notorious killer. She was found in a bathroom facing a mirror with her head nearly removed and tribal carvings on her face. There is no sign of who or what may have done this._


End file.
